AMA: I Got Pregnant Twice On Purpose

It's the end of the world as we know it and I'm having another kid

I am currently nine months pregnant with my second child. A few weeks ago, I posted to my Instagram Story asking if anyone had any questions about pregnancy. I answer some of those questions in more detail here.

Me and Kid #1, February 2022

Why did you decide to have kids in the first place?

So. Existence. What’s the deal? I am one of seven billion people, my entire life will be the tiniest blip in the grand scheme of history, and eventually nobody will remember I was even here in the first place. What’s the point?

These are questions that have plagued me since I was, no exaggeration, about five years old. You might think that’s too young to have an existential crisis, but I have been blessed with a brain that is just Like That. It’s my nature.

For a long time I thought, like many of us do, that I was going to single-handedly change the world. Maybe I’d write The Next Great American Novel. Maybe I’d run for Senate. Maybe I’d make a big dumbass tweet that changed how brands marketed themselves for the next 5-7 years…(okay so that one did happen, but it’s not exactly the kind of meaningful impact I’d pictured).

My thinking on The Ultimate Meaning of Life has shifted somewhat in the past few years. I now subscribe to the philosophy of simply trying to leave things better than I found them. And somewhere along the way I realized: hey, maybe I can leave this place better than I found it by making a couple of people who aren’t shitheads.

I’m absolutely not saying the meaning of life is having children, or that it’s your moral imperative to have kids to make the world better. But it does feel like something I can do, and more importantly, that I wanted to do.

Like The Lorax says: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not.” If there’s gonna be a future, someone has to inherit this planet and the mess we’ve made. The least I can do is make sure a couple of those people are cool.

Why did you decide to have a second kid?

My husband and I are both only children. I don’t hate that for us. I think it’s part of why we get each other, and part of what’s made us the weird artistic people we are today. But I think at the end of the day, we both admit that we wished we had a sibling growing up.

For me specifically, it had a lot to do with feeling like my home life was abnormal. My stepdad was a hoarder and just generally a very weird dude. My mom had outsized emotional reactions to literally everything (my biological father was not in the picture and is now deceased). The dynamic got more tense with every passing year I lived at home. So I’ve always liked the idea of having two kids, just so one could reassure the other, “Yeah mom’s acting wack today.” Someone to exchange The-Office-Jim-Halpert-Staring-At-Camera.gif looks with.

In the immediate aftermath of having Kid #1, I waffled. The thought of being pregnant, not to mention giving birth sounded really unappealing. But the older my kid got, and the more wistfully I stared at strangers’ babies in public, the more I came back around.

7 months pregnant with Kid #2

Easier, harder, or just different the second time?

My first pregnancy was really, really hard. I threw up every day for more than half of it, and a day with only one barf was a good day. The second time around, I was nauseous a lot but only threw up a handful of times. Progress!

The first one was also harder on me mentally. I didn’t really know what to expect. Every new twinge in my body felt like an emergency. I wasn’t sure I’d be a good mom. What if the child had bad vibes? It was a happy time, but also I spent a lot of it scared shitless. This time, I know what I’m in for. I’ve changed 1000 diapers. I still have some anxiety about going from one kid to two kids, but it’s nothing like the anxiety of going from zero to one.

The hardest part of being pregnant the second time is that I also have another kid to take care of. He is mobile, he is verbal, and he wants my undivided attention 100% of the time. He wants me to sit on the floor and play trains, which I cannot comfortably do because my stomach is the size and shape of a large watermelon. Unfortunately, it’s hard to explain this to him in a way he finds acceptable.

This time I also have gestational diabetes, a type of diabetes you can develop during pregnancy (usually temporarily), which means I am on a strict diet and have to prick my finger with a needle to test my blood glucose five times a day. I’m basically on the keto diet until the baby is here: lots of protein, lots of veggies, minimal fruit and carbs, no refined sugar. Do you know what it is like to give up alcohol, weed, deli meats, sushi, and most of your caffeine intake only to be told that you also have to give up lemon desserts, your one remaining vice? It is hell. I am in hell.

What’s the most mortifying part of being pregnant?

Well, sometimes I pee my pants a little when I laugh or sneeze, or because the baby inside me has kicked me in the bladder. Sometimes I think too much about how there’s a baby inside me and get a little freaked out. Dressing a constantly changing pregnant body is hard. Also my belly button looks really weird.

Right now I am so big and perfectly round, I almost cannot reach to tie my shoes. I will have to switch exclusively to sandals soon, I think. Speaking of shoes: my feet got permanently bigger the first time, because when you’re pregnant your body releases a hormone that relaxes your ligaments, including the ones in your feet, allowing your bones to spread.

Other people seem to feel free to comment on your body while you’re pregnant, too. Full disclosure, I used to be one of these people. I’d tell a pregnant colleague, “You’re getting so big!” because I wasn’t sure what else to say or ask. Inevitably someone will ask, “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” in a tone that implies they think they’re really clever for coming up with that. Pro-tip: The pregnant person in your life is intimately aware that they are big. Maybe try, “How are you feeling?”

And this one might be personal, but I find it mortifying when people ask if we were trying to get pregnant, or how long we were trying to get pregnant, or anything else that borders on asking, “Just how much unprotected sex were you having and how often?”

Did you have any weird pregnancy cravings?

Nothing too weird, but I did have very specific cravings both times.

First pregnancy:

• Brioche pain perdu from La Note in Berkeley (Three generous slices of cinnamon brioche soaked in orange flower water batter, sprinkled with lavender honey)

• A gigantic heirloom tomato with basil & balsamic

• Spaghetti bolognese

• Milkshake (any)

Second pregnancy:

• The Galileo pizza from Jupiter in Berkeley (Olive oil crust topped with artichokes, mushrooms, garlic, spinach, fresh tomato, fontina, and aged asiago)

• Pepperoncinis from the jar

• The chipotle aioli from Super Duper

• Exactly six Triscuit crackers with goat cheese and a single grape on each — a nutritionist-approved snack

The thought of physical childbirth scares me. How do you get over that?

You don’t! You just get so sick of being pregnant that getting the baby out of you by any means possible becomes a more appealing proposal than staying pregnant for a single second longer.

I did try to remind myself that for every single human that has ever lived, there’s also a person that gave birth to them. So as scary and physically impossible as it seems, it’s also literally happened billions of times to billions of people. I also reminded myself: When this baby is out, I get to have a margarita.

Me and Kid #1, July 2022

Is childbirth as terrifying and scary and painful as it sounds?

Mostly yes, but some things weren’t as scary as I thought. I was terrified of getting the epidural up until the moment they offered it to me, at which point I was in so much pain I really didn’t care anymore that they administer it by putting a needle directly in your spine.

Scary and painful things:

• I barfed. I did not know that could be a part of labor, and if I had known I wouldn’t have had a cheeseburger after my water broke because, “Hospital food is bad and I don’t know when I’ll get my next decent meal.”

• Contractions were not fun, though the drugs helped considerably.

• Actively pushing the baby out was not fun either. You still feel that part, even with the drugs.

• I began to hemorrhage shortly after giving birth and they had to rush me into emergency surgery. The only part I really remember is that the nurses kept telling me I was being really chill and I was like…you guys just gave me a ton more drugs, I feel great. It was scarier for my husband, because he was lucid. He still does not like to talk about it.

• The first time I was alone with the baby, he pooped. And newborn baby poop is not like regular poop. It’s kind of like cleaning up tar. I was attached to an IV and a catheter, and I had to call a nurse to come help me.

• Then they make you take the baby home with you!!

How has pregnancy and parenting changed your relationship so far?

I think we communicate better — out of necessity and because we’ve both really worked on it. We didn’t have childcare for an entire year after our first kid was born, which means for about seven months of that year we were both working full-time and also passing our kid back and forth. We had to start operating in lockstep.

We’re acutely aware of each other’s contributions, and I think we do a pretty good job of splitting responsibilities 50/50. Admittedly it’s harder these days since some things are becoming physically impossible for me, like getting down next to the tub to give our kid a bath. But then again, I am gestating an entirely new human being, so I suppose it all balances out in the end.

Parenting has opened up new and different sides of both of us. It’s so cool to get to know the dad version of my husband, and I know he feels the same way about knowing the mom version of me. It’s added new dimension to our relationship, and new ways for us to connect.

I love watching him be a dad. It’s even more special to me since I never really had a father figure. What a privilege to have a partner who’s present and loving and putting in the work to be a good parent. I’m grateful every day.

What are your favorite parts of parenting so far?

Well, I love my kid so much. I know everyone says you’re gonna love your kid so much, but I still wasn’t prepared. I love every one of his personality quirks, like how right now he ends every sentence with “please” — even when he’s expressing distaste for something it’s “I don’t like this please.” His laugh is the best sound I have ever heard. I would lay down in front of oncoming traffic for him.

He has brought so much perspective to my life, or “mindfulness” as my therapist would call it. Such little things bring him joy: a bird, a tall tree, a garbage truck. Everything is new and exciting to him. A particularly good banana is cause for celebration. And on that note, watching a little person with your face eat a banana for the first time? Nothing quite like it.

Watching a human develop is incredible. When I gave birth to him, he was a defenseless burrito that slept all day. Then he started waking up a little more. Then he started eating solid foods, walking, talking. Tonight he insisted on reading “The Cat in the Hat” to us before climbing into his big boy bed with his stuffed octopus. Sometimes I remember he used to live inside me and it just doesn’t seem possible.

And I get to play! I get to play trains, trucks, blocks. I get to color and paint. I get to watch children’s programming, some of which is not bad (though this does not apply to Blippi, who can fuck right off). I know some people find playing with toddlers mind-numbing, and I won’t pretend it’s always stimulating. Yesterday my kid pressed down the horn on a toy fire truck for five straight minutes while staring directly into my soul. But it’s more fun than not.

What does your kid think about being an older sibling?

He knows a baby is coming to live with us next month and he seems excited! After a long period of skepticism, he does seem to have accepted that the baby currently lives in my tummy. Sometimes he asks if there’s a baby in his tummy too. Sometimes he asks if the baby is in my boobs. It’s a process.

I think he’s going to love it.